Stop Asking

What do I want for my son when he turns 18?

I have no expectations of him as an adult

I have no grand hope that he will make a difference

Change the world

I have no daydream about him graduating

or living on his own

or that the voices in his head will suddenly go away

Or that he will not turn into a violent, angry adult

I have no whim left in me that he will be able to read

He will never drive a car

He will not have a family

He will not be able to manage any household on his own

Stop asking me, "What do you want for your son when he turns 18?"

You do not want to hear the answer

You want a nice statement

You want me to have hope

I do not have it

I have panic attacks

I have realistic expectations

I have the statistics that tell me that my son,

who had psychosis start at five years old,

who cannot manage a grocery store,

Who has level three Autism

Who is 12 years old and wants to die to make it all stop

He does not scream

He does not cry

He knows what his life will always be like

When my son is 18

I hope

The only hope I can have

I hope he is alive