Dear John,

Spring is in the air, so let’s focus on love letters (kind of)—specifically, Dear John letters. Have you ever written one? Received one? Here’s your chance.

No, I don’t want anything from real life; you have to adhere to my premise, which is that you are in a relationship with your favorite literary character, and one of you wants to move on. Write a Dear John letter to or from your favorite literary character, totally up to you to decide who’s the dumper and who’s the dumpee. For extra special bonus, you may respond to any entry in addition to writing your own.

Example: I write a Dear John letter to (or from) Atticus Finch. Someone reads it and assumes the role of letter recipient, and they respond to it.

Sounds fun, right? Better than an ode to last year’s Easter bonnet or a villanelle of regret (fuck you, whoever came up with that widening gyre into Dante’s deepest pits, still haven’t recovered from all that godawful repetitive whining rhyme), in my humble opinion.

Unlimited haikus and limericks are one thing. Unlimited Dear John letters are quite another, unless you’re emulating Marty Maraschino from Grease (see one-woman USO), so let’s limit this to two entries of your choosing, whether that’s two letters of origination of relationship termination, two responses, or one of each. I suppose you can respond to your own, but if you choose that option, bring your A-game to back up that ego, or you may find yourself in a marshmallow situation—impaled then held over the fire to be roasted.

While April Fool’s Day would be the ideal closing date, that’s one day after my late father’s birthday, so we’ll let this run for 30 days. Tax returns and Dear John letters on the same day. Hell, let’s throw a twist and allow Dear Johns to the IRS as well.

RHYME JUNKY WARNING:

End rhyme is tired, trite, and done to fucking death, so don’t do it here, or I’ll report your unclaimed rhymes to the IRS, perhaps add a flag for evading other literary devices while I’m at it. If you can’t stop rhyming, keep that shit interior, bury it in the fucking middle like they teach in rhetoric class (if you don’t know about this, you’re only hurting yourself), or you’re disqualified.

Any community you want is fine with me, but if it’s in poetry, it better be an actual poem instead of some silly rhyme. Too many creators treat end rhyme as the end-all be-all of poetry, and far too many expect it to carry weight it can’t support, like making a toddler bring the double-bagged sack full of canned goods in from the car. No child labor allowed here.

Maybe I’ll write a Dear John letter to end rhyme (of course, I would need to time travel back to 1988, when there was a relationship to speak of). In case I haven’t made myself clear, don’t try to fake content with shiny terminal sounds; it doesn’t fool me. No willy-nilly, mamby-pamby thoughtless rhyme allowed.

All of that said, let’s break some hearts or hang characters out to dry, any approach you want, any tone. Maybe someone will break up with Dracula or Lady Macbeth. Have fun! Also if you write more than two, by the deadline, pull anything that distracts from your two strongest or leave me a comment telling me which horses you’re bringing to the starting gate; only two will be considered, full fucking stop.

Prizes are still developing, not sure what kind of madness would be the best reward for this, but I have faith that it will come to me.